A 2022 survey into the UK's most common sexual fantasies by sex toy website Sinful found that 18% of respondents envisaged themselves having sex with not just one other person, but two. Scandalous. This made having a threesome the third most common fantasy in the survey, just behind shagging outside (21%) and 69ing (20%). This is a far lower percentage than I thought it would be - but on reflection, I can understand why. Threesomes are daunting for all parties involved. Who do you do it with? Strangers? Friends? What if your partner likes the other person more than you? What if you ruin a couple's relationship? What if it's... awkward?
There's no guaranteeing that a threesome will become a sexy reality. It can end up being awkward. If you're the third person entering into a threesome with a couple, however, you do hold the power to make or break the experience. Of course, everyone involved does, but I think the power balance teeters ever so slightly more in favour of the unicorn when it comes to dispelling an awkward atmosphere. The couple has a responsibility to not perpetrate predatory behaviour, but the unicorn has the ability to make everyone else feel included.
So how do you do that? Here are my top tips:
Talk about what you want
This seems obvious, but some people think you can spontaneously have a fantastic threesome without any prior communication; that the sexual chemistry just magically emanates without any need to talk about what kinks you might have or what your no-gos are. Sure, sexual chemistry can be illusive at times, but it's mostly down to you and your sexual partners talking about what your expectations are prior to getting freaky. I think a lot of people consider sex in a similar way to how Jez from Peep Show once described it: a set menu of kissing, oral, then penetration. It's more like an all-you-can-eat buffet (especially in the case of group sex). Maybe you don't like receiving oral. Maybe you get jumpy when someone touches your butthole. Maybe you like to be completely naked whilst the other people are clothed. No one's going to know if an opportunity to talk about it isn't created.
I'd recommend hanging out and chatting for a bit before getting into the sex part. You might find that you spend time together and you don't really feel like having sex, and that's completely fine. This is consent 101, but you can change your mind about having sex at any point - even if you're butt-ass naked, in the middle of being fingered, you can suddenly say "actually, I'm just not in the right head space for this." It's also okay to feel a bit awkward in the pre-sex social engagement. You're not doing anything wrong; you're about to do something vulnerable with people you may or may not know very well. Regardless of if you've been friends for years or met on a dating app, there is still going to be a slight atmosphere of are we really doing this? because group sex is taboo. Be in-tune with what kind of awkwardness you're feeling. Are they good nerves or bad nerves? If they're bad nerves, listen to your gut and excuse yourself from the situation.
Be mindful of any substances you consume
Another classic consent point here, but alcohol and drugs affect your ability to consent to sexual activity. That doesn't change the fact that people do still drink and take substances when getting jiggy with it. This is why I recommend being mindful. For legal reasons, I'm saying you should ideally do any kind of sex sober. But, because I know people will still do it regardless, I'm going to focus on harm reduction.
If you haven't done something already, I would not recommend doing a new substance when you go in for your first threesome because you won't be aware of your limits. There's already a pretty intense situation happening, so a new substance on top of that could spin you out. If you have done something before and you want to use it to enhance the sexual experience, then err on the side of caution. For example, with alcohol, if you know you can usually have about 4 drinks and be fine, in this circumstance I would recommend keeping your limit at 2. Keep your wits about you.
If something does trigger you or someone else in your group, then if you're in the UK I would give the NHS a call on 111 - you can press 2 to get in touch with the mental health crisis team.
Be proactive
As the unicorn, you're going to have to be proactive about initiating sexual acts with your partners. There's a sweet spot to hit between getting absorbed into the hedonism of the experience and being considerate of the people around you, making sure everyone is involved as much as they want to be. Say you're a girl having sex with a guy-girl couple: check in with how everyone is doing, both verbally and non-verbally. Sometimes, you can pick up on the sense that maybe the girl feels a little left out whilst you're having sex with her man. Give her a kiss, touch her, even just ask, "you good?" This could even be something you talk about during your pre-sex hang out. The guy might even be happy to sit back and watch for a little while, particularly if they've tapped out for a break. As a rule, though, just subtly check-in if it seems like someone is a little distant.
When it comes to initiating, the ball will likely be in your court. If you're ready to kick things off, lean over and give someone a kiss. Make some sultry eye contact. Touch a thigh. Read the room! You're outnumbered, but like I said earlier, you have the most power. Don't forget that.
Having a threesome is nerve-wracking. There are so many apprehensions that can cross the participants' minds as the tension builds and things take a sexual turn. Remember: stay safe, be inclusive, and get creative!
